Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Second Child Blues

Yesterday I was chatting with another special needs mommy on Facebook. She and her husband have decided to adopt their other children after much discussion about her son's genetic condition. I'm not doing a good job at explaining--her post on the subject is here.

Hubby and I both want another child and in the course of this chat I told her, "I want another child--I just don't want to be pregnant again." And boom! there it was. Sometimes you don't know what's holding you back until you say it out loud (or, type it).

I really feel guilty even talking about this. The special needs community is filled with mothers who have BAD pregnancies. I'm talking hospital stays, way too early deliveries, preeclampsia, other things that seem a lot worse than what I went through.

You see, my pregnancy was fine physically. I was tired, had a touch of sciatica now and then, but other than that, I was fine.

Mentally, I was a wreck. I was anxious, cried at the drop of hat, worried incessantly about everything, and obsessed over things long since passed. It was bad. You see, pregnancy pretty much destroys any and all coping mechanisms I've developed. For crying out loud, you can't even take a hot bath when you're pregnant. I spent much of my last pregnancy worrying, worrying, and you know, checking some website to see what was happening with my baby this week.

Tension levels were high at my house and according to my doctor, the baby was fine. I can only imagine what I'll be like now that I know how bad things can go at the end.

So. . . .

I guess that once you've said something out loud, acknowledged it and all that, you can try to figure out what to do about it. I'm not exactly sure what my plan is, but I'm thinking maybe going to a perinatoligist provided I get pregnant? Really, I don't know what to do. I'm just figuring the whole thing out as I go along. . .
Pictures are of our version of an Easter Egg Hunt--Charlie HATED that grass!